Umbrellas in the Red Snow
by Patelli
Summary: Winter has fallen on Edo, and Odd Jobs Gin is hired yet again.  But a simple job turns out to be more than it was meant to be. Rated T for violence  if it should be rated higher do tell me!
1. Red Clothes DO Stain

Umbrellas in the Red Snow

Shinpachi stared down at the blurry floor, his glasses long smashed and discarded of, as he bent over and wheezed in pain. He stared in terror as the felt the tremors within the building as the unnaturally long earthquake continued to rage in a constant drum.

"Make it stop!" he screamed. "This was supposed to be a simple job, why did this happen?"

He heard a scuffling noise to his left. A group of people were fighting though he could not tell who through the noise of the earth. His hands skimmed over the ground frantically until he cut one of his fingers on a thin shard of glass. Snatching what he hoped was a piece of his prescription lenses. He brought the coin sized glass before his eye just as he heard a scream over the constant rumbling. He looked through the glass just in time to see a katana pierce the centre Kagura's chest. He immediately recognised the black Shinsengumi uniform of her assailant.

_Wh-why! _Tears welled up in his eyes as he tried to understand the situation, and why _that_ man had stabbed his best friend. Before he could even attempt to fight against his immense pain and rise to avenge Kagura, he felt a weightlessness and the sensation of falling. The floor beneath him gave way and Shinpachi received one of more glance through his tiny lens at pained blue eyes and blood spraying from between the small breasts of a mere girl. The warm red fluid spattering across the Shinsengumi officer's recognised face.

-cut to opening sequence-

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><p><strong>Well, that was as good a prologue as anything. Nice to meet y'all, this is my first Gintama fic and it will be following the pattern of an episode, so please sit back, grab some popcorn and enjoy. Rating is subject to change if things get too... Gintama-ish.<strong>


	2. We Are All Puppets in the Greater Scheme

The Yorozuya trio, a motley bunch made up of a rather uninteresting four eyes with the stereotypical Japanese boy appearance. A more distinctive individual with messy, naturally wavy and pure white hair stood beside the uninteresting one. The third was an attractive redheaded girl with bright blue eyes and translucent, pale skin wearing in a red China dress, she was on the opposite side of the distinctive looking one, thus allowing her to be far from the uninteresting four eyes.

"Oy, Narrator-san," Shinpachi looks up to the sky like an idiot. "Cut the crap! What's with all this "the uninteresting four eyes" eh?"

I'm the narrator, of course I'm going to give proper descriptions.

"All that succeeds in is needlessly lengthening the story, thus frustrating the viewer and ticking me off, Dondake?"

Like I care, I am the all powerful narrator, I can make you do whatever I want.

"Dondake?"

That's right! *nods*

"Dondake?"

Kagura's beautiful face twitched in irritation. "Hey, Shinpachi, stop repeating that word it's getting irritating aru."

"I'm not trying to, it's in the script- Dondake!"

"I told you to stop Shinpachi, I'll throw you by your toes if you say it again aru."

"Bu- Dondake!"

*snickers*

Shinpachi's boring face contorts in terror as the foxy Kagura leaps in for the ki-.

Gintoki stares up to the sky with his red dead fish eyes that glared in irritation. "Oy, oy, oy, Narrator-san, stop with the creepy descriptions you loli-con."

Yeah, and what are you going to do… I find myself staring at the tip of Gintoki's Neo Armstrong Cyclo- I mean, bokken sword Lake Toya. *gulp*

"So, can we continue with the story before our ratings drop further and those jerks in S**rise cut our funds again."

"Stop talking about money Don-!"

I considered to continue my tormenting of the loudmouthed megane, but I thought better of it judging by the dangerous glint in Gintoki's eyes, and Kagura's for that matter, but she was probably just following her admired elder's lead.

*bows in appology* Now, where were we?

"How about describing what we are doing?" Gintoki suggested boredly.

Oh yes, *cough* I shall begin writing seriously now.

-title page with messy calligraphy, "Umbrellas in the Red Snow"-

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><p><strong>Well, I'm not certain whether I actually accomplished Gintama-esque here, but I hope y'all enjoyed reading it anyway. It's great how much leeway this series gives for fanfic writers, I can do anything, makes me so happy. Next chapter we actually get to the story, sorry for dragging this out, but you know the deal, if I go too fast I'll catch up with the manga then I'll have to make filler and it might completely contort the story so that is impossible to rejoin the canon etc. etc. etc...<strong>

**Ok, I shameless stole that last piece of dialogue. I apologise Hideaki Sorachi-sensei.  
><strong>


	3. If Your Hand Causes You To Sin

The Yorozuya three were standing in twenty centimetres of snow and staring at the monolithic wooden gate to the shogonate palace. All three of them had utterly perplexed expressions on their faces as to why they were standing there in the first place.

"G-Gin-san," Shinpachi began. "Why is no one coming? Do you think it was a prank call? After all, why would the shogun want to talk with us?"

Immediately the three of them took a trip down memory lane and remembered all their previous encounters with the shogun.

"Y-you don't think-" Shinpachi shuddered in fear.

Gintoki likewise shivered nervously. "N-no, that's not likely, why would the shogun go through all the trouble of calling us here when he could just send someone over to kill us in our sleep?"

"Y-yeah..." a moment of dead silence hung in the air.

The next moment Kagura was at both of her comrades back by their collars.

"Let's go-aru!"

"I'm too young to die! I still have not seen the ending to Hun*** x ***ter! It just got off hiatus!"

Kagura held firm. "It's a job, and Gin-chan still needs to pay me for the last few months! I'm running low on seaweed-aru."

"Go to the beach and you can get all you want!"

All of them froze at the sound of the front gate creaking open. Despite their apprehension, the two samurai figured they could not run fast enough anyway so they awaited whatever faced them with a stoic expression. All of their nervousness evaporated into confusion at the sight of two Shinsengumi; Vice-Captain Toshiro Hijikata and Captain Isao Kondo.

"Eh!" they all exclaimed in unison.

"What are you layabouts doing here?" The dark-haired, scary-faced Toshiro demanded.

"A better question," Gin declared. "Why are Gorilla and Mayo-kun the ones coming to meet us? Are you stepping onto our odd jobs territory? Eh?"

Isao rubbed his scruffy goatee. "We were just told that we would be meeting up with some people then going to see the shogun." Judging by Toshiro's sour expression and the sheer amount of snow flakes impaled on Kondo's spiky reddish brown mop.

"If you would please follow me…" The five all turned to see a kimono clad maid gesture respectfully towards one of the side doors of the massive castle.

As the motley group made their way though the halls of the castle, Shinpachi thought carefully about the situation. _I suppose this means we are not heading to loose our heads, after all, Kondo-san and Hijikata-san are here too, so it must be something else, or they are our chosen executioners… no, no, no! _He laughed inwardly as he insisted on dispelling his worries. _There must be another reason for this. Ah! Maybe they are going to congratulate us all for our various public service jobs? We have stopped several terrorism attempts, they must know that… right?_

Gintoki rolled his eyes and glared at Shinpachi. _Cut the delusions of grandeur, all this is going to be is another job we did not get paid for. Probably going to get the task of torturing the shogun again._

Shinpachi sighed. _Probably, freaking masochist. Hey, have you ever figured out how we can read each other's mind?_

_Huh, you are right, the mangaka has never explained that, has he?_ Gintoki rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

In the end both of them looked towards the ceiling.

What? I'm just the narrator, I have no idea either. It's probably just so you two can keep up the straight man/funny man routine during intense situations to lighten the mood and avoid awkward spoken dialogue.

The two nodded, accepting my purely B.S. explanation. I pertain to the theory that Hideaki-sensei is clearly just insane and assumes everyone else hears voices too.

Their hostess halted and stood next to a massive, ornate door. "I must leave you here as the shogun specifically ordered no disturbances besides the _honoured guests_."

The four men all felt rather bashful at being address with such respect. All previous worries vaporised and they began to hesitantly believe that something very good was about to happen.

Kagura leaned forward and asked. "So, does this mean we get to eat?"

Gintoki and Kondo rolled their eyes at the little redhead's childishness.

"I've wondered what mayonaise would taste like on fancy tuna." Hijikata rubbed his chin thoughtfully. He glance over at his captain and the silver samurai. "What's your problem?"

Both Gintoki and Kondo recovered from their slumped over positions (a reaction to the supposed hard-a** Hijikata) as the maid departed and they entered through the massive doors. Four metres beyond those doors was a massive curtain, behind which were the cheerful sounds of a party.

They all stared eagerly at one another, each silently urging the other to go first. Finally Kondo took initiative and pulled back the curtain. All their faces first turned from excitement to confusion. Before them there were no fancy dressed nobility. Just rough dressed pirates, human and amanto alike, eating and drinking merrily. The tapestries, floor and wall hangings were all spattered with red blood, producing a feast of dark irony.

The sounds of merry-making vanished as the pirates noticed the intruders. Even the fat amanto that danced on the table halted. The same evil grin seemed to copy and paste itself over every face (in reality the mangaka partied late and forgot about the deadline and resorted to photoshop.)

A mutual tingle ran up Gintoki, Shinpachi, Kondo, and Hijikata's backs, but their faces were frozen in a stupor as they all absorbed the unbelievable.

In less then a second later, the two Shinsengumi drew their swords, Gintoki whipped out his bokken and Shinpachi cowered behind them.

The fat Amanto hopped off of the table revealing the naked, eviscerated body of the Shogun, behind whom emerged a wickedly grinning Shinsuke Takasugi wearing the finery of the Shogun, only tainted by a bloodstain in the chest area.

His one eye widened maniacally. "Welcome, to the party gentlemen. Come, toast to the end of this pathetic government and celebrate the new age!"

Gintoki opened his mouth to speak but his words were cut off by the table exploding beside Shinsuke from a heavy blow by a purple parasol. The red clad wielder looked up and glared at him with furious blue eyes. "I'll kill you!" she shrieked like a phantom, her sanity lost completely by the view of the carnage. From her vantage she could clearly see the slaughtered nobles, their wives, and in one corner, a girl lay, having been brutalised and violated, her eyes mercifully clouded over in death. Despite her bruised and bloody face Kagura clearly recognised her from that day of fun they spent together many months ago.

She swung her umbrella in a grand arc, the air whistling around it as it approached the villain's face. But the umbrella stopped. Kagura wondered how a mere human could have not budged from her blow.

"Hello sister!" She looked to her left to see her brother's grinning face, his hand gripping her wrist, keeping her umbrella a mere fraction of an inch away from gouging out Shinsuke's remaining eye.

What she did not see was her brother's other hand moving to rip out her jugular vein, but Gintoki and the other's did. Time slowed down as they ran forward cutting through Amanto left and right, desperately hoping to make it to their friend in time but entirely unsure how they could stop the most deadly of Yato from doing anything.

Then, as if an answer to prayers not yet prayed the earth lurched, throwing everyone off their feet and casting the siblings in opposite directions, sparing the sister from a brutal death at the hands of her kin. Sections of the roof and floor separated and fell to the ground, crushing several of the pirates. Gintoki, Hijikata, and Shinpachi all vanished to different levels as the light of a midwinter day shown through the clouds of dust.

Kagura coughed in pain as she rose to look at her surroundings. She was on an island of floor surrounded by abysses where everything had fallen away into the deepest basements where the earth itself was rendering apart. In the corner of wall she spotted Isao Kondo wincing as he pushed a dead Amanto off of his red blade. She was about to go looking for Shin and Gin-chan but she felt rather than heard that someone was behind her with deadly intent. Bending forward her brother's hand graze the back of her neck, a blow that would have snapped her vertebrae. She kicked back viciously and struck her brother's gut but he snatched her leg and raised her over his head before slamming her down into the tatami mats.

"Come on sister! Give me a challenge! I've heard so much about your power when you give into your blood. Do it! Kill me or die!"

Somehow Kagura managed to release her leg from his grasp and wrapped her other around her brother's neck. She then pulled her body up, grabbed him by the hair and slammed his face into the wall. A dust cloud erupted from where he struck the plaster.

Kagura backed away.

Kamui laughed. "I told you to kill me! That the best you can do?"

"You're my brother!" she cried.

"If I'm your brother, would I do…" he moved which such speed Kagura completely lost track of him. "…this?"

He was behind her before she could even respond. With a one handed chop he brought her to the ground and put his foot on her neck and began applying pressure. "Come on sis, what do I have to do to get you to give into your blood?"

She began gagging and heaving.

"Leave her alone!"

Kamui turned and saw the Shinsengumi Captain Kondo, blade raised, wide stance. The Yato's face lit up in realisation. "I had forgotten, the only way to get Kagura-chan to awaken is to endanger one of her friends. So, Kondo-san, let's see if you are valuable enough." Kamui stepped toward the captain. He struck his hand into the wall and kept walking, ripping through the supports with his bare hand as if they were mere twigs.

Kondo gritted his teeth. _What insane strength! He's like Toshiro on nicotine withdrawal… huh… didn't he quit once? I'll have to ask him why he started smoking all of a sudden. The television advisory board is sure to give him another lecture on promoting healthy habits, but what about mayonnaise?_

Writer's note: Following normal shounen conventions, no time passed during this random inner monologue so Kamui is still coming in for the kill and not off lollygagging, I promise.

Kondo made eye contact with Kamui, giving him his glare that declared _"You die by my sword!"_ But when he saw those laughing blue irises he froze in strange fear for just a second. A second that he knew was his last second alive.

"NO!" Kagura screamed running towards her brother.

Grinning in glee he snatched Kondo's sword hand and swung him around like a rag doll. Too late the officer realised what was happening and was only able to tip his blade a fraction of an inch before he found himself confronted with the shocked, painful, and innocent eyes of Kagura. Blood sprayed from her chest but he remained frozen, his mouth gaped in agony.

And then he heard it, her wail, a sound that he knew if he lived until bedtime would haunt every dream forever. A tear rolled down his cheek, mingling in the girl's blood.

_What have I done?_

_-_commercial break-

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><p><strong>How I hate commercial breaks with the power of a thousand Neo-Armstrong... you get the point. So now that we have finally got back to where we left off I now must enter the hardest part of the story, character development and emotion. Fear not, more comedy to come as well!<strong>

**Oh, does anyone hate Kamui? I don't... but I like villains. If he was real I would give him a nice beating for the sake of his sis though, can't stand guys who pick on sisters (mine trained me well).**


End file.
